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“I feel like part of me died after the abortion”

I had an abortion at the age of 20. Sixteen years later I found myself still suffering with the effects it had on my life.

For many years I kept it secret. I suppressed my emotions and lived with a great deal of emotional pain that eventually also made me physically ill.

I was led to a post-abortion healing course at Holy Trinity Brompton in London, but I didn’t think I needed to do a course. I thought I had already repented and received God’s forgiveness, and I believed that my pain was the incurable consequence of the choice I had made. I thought I would just have to live with it. I had been living in pain for so long that it had become my identity.

Eventually, I decided to give the course a go and registered on the day it started. This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I discovered that I was not alone and that many women go through very similar experiences after their abortions. I also discovered that what I was going through has a name; I was suffering with ‘Post-Abortion Stress’.

During the course, we were encouraged to identify and face our emotions. The leaders were extremely supportive, patient and understanding, creating a welcoming and genuinely caring atmosphere.

I decided to give it all I had, as I had nothing else to lose. I diligently followed all the instructions, doing my homework and writing out and meditating on the recommended Bible verses.

During the course I allowed my bottled up emotions to come to the surface. I found that it was necessary to identify each emotion to deal with it. The old wound was opened up; sometimes this was very painful, but in my darkest hour I cried out to Jesus and he answered through a series of powerful personal revelations of what he had done, who he is and who I am in him.

I have come to know him deeply – I understood his heart for me – and learned my value and who he made me to be. I have been able to deal with the biggest issue I faced – my inability to forgive myself.

I have now forgiven myself and learned the need of abiding in him and his presence. I have been set free and healed from my pain.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour” (Luke 4:18–19).

I believe that complete restoration is possible and that God’s desire is for his church to be set free and restored to walk in his presence. Through knowing who he made us to be, we can do the work that he has prepared for us to do from the beginning of time.